What to Do When Your Kids Are Driving You Crazy: A Therapist's Trick Backed by Real Research
January 31, 2025 | Madeline Thompson Smith, APC
Madeline is an associate professional counselor at Sunrise Counseling in Snellville, Georgia. She works with individuals of all ages and specializes in working with OCD, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and LGBTQ+ youth. She runs counseling groups for middle schoolers and high schoolers to build confidence and coping skills while creating positive peer relationships.
What to Do When Your Kids Are Making You Pull Your Hair Out
Let’s be real—there are moments in parenting when you’re just done. The house is a mess, someone is yelling (maybe it’s you), and you’re two seconds away from losing it. So what do you do when your kids are making you feel like pulling your hair out?
Here’s your trick: Act the opposite of how you feel.
It’s a strategy pulled straight from a powerful Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill called Opposite Action.
Now, I know what you might be thinking. “Do the opposite of what I feel? Oh, so I should just pretend everything's fine? Fake it ‘til I make it? Think happy thoughts? Yeah, sure, maybe I’ll bake some cookies while I’m at it.” It might sound invalidating at first—but hear me out.
The truth is, our emotions and behaviors often create feedback loops. One feeling leads to a behavior that leads to another feeling, and before we know it, we’re stuck in a spiral. Take this example:
You’re caught in traffic on the way to work (trigger) → you feel angry (feeling).
So you snap at your spouse via text (behavior) → you feel guilty (feeling).
So you isolate in your office and avoid others (behavior) → now you feel lonely (feeling).
But what if, at step 3, you made a different choice? What if, instead of isolating, you did the opposite of what you felt like doing? You went and chatted with a co-worker, grabbed a coffee, shared a laugh. That single opposite action could start a new loop—one that brings relief, connection, and even joy.
So, What Does This Have to Do with Your Kids?
Let’s translate that DBT magic into parenting.
Picture this: your toddler is throwing cheerios, your older child is ignoring your requests, and your teen just rolled his eyes and said “you never let me do anything! “ Your voice is starting to rise. You feel the urge to yell, to stomp, to scream, “Can you just give me a break?!”
Pause. Breathe. Opposite Action.
Instead of yelling, try using the calm, warm voice you’d use if they were cuddling with you before bed. Speak gently, maybe even kneel down and make eye contact. Use your “bedtime book reading” voice. That sweet, soothing tone you use when everything is peaceful.
Will it make your child magically behave? Honestly, maybe not. They might still spill their cheerios. They might still argue over the red cup or insist their screen time isn’t up yet.
But here’s the shift: your goal isn’t to change their behavior. It’s to change how you feel.
When your kids are pushing buttons, you can either feed the chaos by joining the emotional storm—or you can steady the ship with calm, intentional actions. When you choose Opposite Action, you break the feedback loop. You move from irritable and overwhelmed to steady and empowered.
And when you feel calm, everything feels a little more manageable. Even listening to your 5th grader say “Chicken Jockey” for the 40th time today.
Madeline is an associate professional counselor at Sunrise Counseling in Snellville, Georgia. She works with individuals of all ages and specializes in working with OCD, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and LGBTQ+ youth. She runs counseling groups for middle schoolers and high schoolers to build confidence and coping skills while creating positive peer relationships.
